


SkidQuest

by amidskids



Series: Vampkenny Problems [2]
Category: Letterkenny (TV)
Genre: Blood, Letterkenny - Freeform, M/M, Vampires, and oblivious, longing mention, meth mention, nicotine mention, the skids are stupid, the skids go on an adventure!!, vampirism is all about being sexy and goth, vampkenny, vape mention
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-03
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:02:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21654955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amidskids/pseuds/amidskids
Summary: Remember Devon? Stewart does.He's gonna find him.Even if he has to pry open every coffin in Ontario.
Relationships: Connor/Darien (Letterkenny), Dax/Ron (Letterkenny), Devon/Stewart (Letterkenny), Roald/Stewart (Letterkenny), Stewart/Roald/Devon (Letterkenny)
Series: Vampkenny Problems [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1554196
Kudos: 19





	SkidQuest

**Author's Note:**

> There are 8 (confirmed) vampires in Letterkenny. These are their problems.

The air was clouded with vape, dank and vaguely fruity. The skids had quit meth, again, and had reached the point in the cycle of quitting and relapsing at which the nicotine addicts would drain their mods with every inhale. It was at times like these that Stewart found himself at his most reflective. Through the clouds in the basement, he could finally see himself clearly. 

“I’m sad, Roald,” he finally whimpered.

“We know, Stewart.” Roald was kneeling on the ground, and resting his head on Stewart’s lap. Stewart was laid dramatically across the couch, basking in the secondhand carcinogens his friends had dutifully filled the basement with at his request.

He gasped, “Then why have you no sympathy for me?” 

“Because you’ve been realizing you’re sad all day. You say that every five minutes.” 

“I miss Gae.” 

“We all do.” 

“I miss Devon.” 

Roald whimpered, but this time it was like an actual whimper. No one in this basement full of losers judged him for it. The silent chorus of vape clouds understood; they all missed Devon. The black overalls they wore on the daily were as much a symbol of unity as they were grief; forever mourning their lost compatriot. Of course, they all knew Roald and Stewart had been hit the hardest. They had basically been a thruple, before Devon had just… vanished.

This was about the point where the superfluous skids would take the hint and leave Stewart’s basement to let Roald and Stewart comfort each other in whatever way manifested. Usually, they would wait in Stewart’s mom’s living room and blow vape out of the windows until Stewart came up and gave the all clear. In fact, they had started to silently clear the room before Stewart addressed them, “We have to find him.” 

They would have groaned if it hadn’t been the dozenth time they’d heard this; Stewart decided to find Devon at least once a month. It usually corresponded with the meth withdrawal. But they knew how much Devon meant to him. They all missed Devon, for sure, but it was Stewart who wept his name in his sleep. It was Stewart who would sometimes dance alone in the dollar store parking lot, long after the high had ended, hoping that Devon would come back and join him. It was Stewart who wrote Devon letters, and dramatically incinerated them over the burner they used to cook meth. It was Stewart who had burned down half of his mom’s basement doing this. And it was Roald who took the blame for that. 

“But how?” Roald asked, like always. 

“We’ll check his Facebook!” Stewart declared. 

“But… but how? He blocked us!” His voice cracked at that last bit, and Stewart laid a comforting hand on his head. 

“We shall create….. an alternative account!!!!” He yelled loud enough to disturb his mother’s midmorning nap and pointed his finger at the sky. 

“Yes!” Roald chirped. “Why haven’t we thought of that before?”

“Because true genius is only born out of true despair.” 

The rest of the skids pretended Roald hadn’t suggested that when Devon first blocked them, and set to work accompanying Stewart on the creation of his alternate account. Instead of catfishing Devon with a stranger’s photos, Stewart insisted they photoshop his own picture to make him look like a different guy. They ended up just using the Snapchat filter that changes your gender, because none of them had the hard drive space for Photoshop. And so, with a significantly more masculine icon, and the anagramous alter ego of “Rat Swet,” they were ready to commence.

First, Stewart sent friend requests to everyone in Letterkenny, to make the account look more realistic. Only Glen and Katy accepted, but that would be sufficient. When the account was ready, Stewart sent Devon the friend request. Roald laid his head on Stewart’s shoulder as both eyed the screen, waiting to be accepted. Darien and Connor made knowing eye contact and pretended that it wasn’t the worst catfishing attempt they had ever seen, and they had seen every episode of _Catfish_. Devon accepted the friend request as soon as he saw the notification. 

The skids rejoiced. 

But confusion quickly overrode revelry. “Why’s he wearing vampire fangs in all of his pics?” Stewart asked, as if anyone in the room had the answers. They stood around him and shrugged in a goofy, exaggerated manner for a long time. 

This standing and shrugging and scrolling continued for three full minutes, as they retraced the last few months of Devon’s digital life, until they reached the fateful day that he had blocked all of the skids. 

“Learning How to Make Love: The Vampyr Way. #biting” was the caption of the first photo uploaded after the skids had been blocked. Devon was in bed between Dax and Ron. The two of them were smiling, with corny fangs on their teeth and fake blood dripping out of their mouths. Devon’s neck was covered in it as well, clearly the start of this vampire roleplay. 

“Ah! Our beloved homosexual neighbors are the source of his strange behavior!” Stewart concluded. “We must confront them. You two, go buy all the mango Juul pods you can.” He pointed at Darien and Connor. 

“But… Stwrt… those don’t exist any-” 

Stewart threw out his hand, cutting Roald off. “They’re his favorite flavor, Roald. We must have it upon his return.”

Darien and Connor looked at each other and then back at Stewart. They gave him a silent thumbs up and left. 

~~~~~~

“Yeah, we turned him into a vampire,” Dax confessed nonchalantly. 

“We vamped him up,” Ron clarified. 

“Totally sunk our teeth in,” Dax needlessly added. 

“Got mad sucky mid fucky,” Ron threw in.

“Got maaad sucky on your boy,” Dax gloated.

“Took a big fuckin’ sip of his blood.” Ron’s fangs were visible.

“Sipped him like a juicebox.” Dax’s were out too. They definitely hadn’t been wearing those a second ago.

“Made your fuckboy ours and slurped down on him like a Capri-Sun,” Ron echoed. 

“Totally consensual though.” Dax put his hands up. 

“Yeah he asked for it.” Ron mimicked Dax’s motion. 

“Had a safeword and everything.” Dax nodded.

“It was Twilight.” Ron put up his fist and Dax fistbumped him.

“Didn’t use it though,” Dax confirmed. 

“Obviously didn’t use it, we turned him,” Ron followed up.

“He was already gay, you ignorami!” Stewart cut off the husbands’ fast back and forth.

“We turned him into a _vampire_. Weren’t you listening?” Dax rolled his eyes. 

“Um… Stewart…” Roald started. 

“Now is not the time, Roald,” Stewart hissed. 

“Yeah, check it.” Dax curled his upper lip and two sharp fangs slipped out past his canines.

“Sterrrrrrt-”

“I’ll protect you!” Stewart stepped in front of Roald between the two vampires. 

“Look,” Ron said. “If you want to know more, talk to Wayne. He’s the expert.” 

“Wayne?” Stewart asked. “Why is Wayne the authority on this matter?” 

“‘Cuz he’s in charge of everything,” Dax said. 

“Oh, tell him I said hello! We haven’t hung in ages…” Ron trailed off. 

“Oh. Are you sad about that?” Stewart asked. 

“No, what the fuck are you talking about? I’m married,” Ron snapped.

“Now get outta here, we’re busy and we hate talking to you,” Dax said, making a shooing motion with his hand. 

“Yeah your vibes disgust me and we were watching Legend of Korra.” And with that Ron slammed the door in Stewart’s face. 

“Oh,” Stewart said, uneasily. “Well I guess we’re headed to Wayne’s.” 

“Stewart…” Roald tried again, fangs exposed for the first time in decades.

“What?” Stewart huffed, and finally turned to face him. “Terrible timing Roald! Put those fake fangs away.”

“But… Stwrt.” Roald pleaded.

“No buts! I am in distress and this is far too soon.” 

Roald shamefully retracted the fangs. “I’m sorry Stwrt.” 

“You are forgiven. To the hicks!” He declared, before initiating his power walk to the farm.

**Author's Note:**

> Dang, I love these supporting characters. 
> 
> Also, did I not nail the skids' cadence? 
> 
> Stay tuned for Connor and Darien's quest. SkidQuest: The Search for the Mango Juul Pod, by my beloved co-author Jo. 
> 
> If you like this, join our Queer Letterkenny server:  
> https://discord.gg/VEget9w
> 
> -Nic


End file.
